As I sit to pen my testimony, I am confronted with a task that contains two overriding difficulties for me. First, if I put my life in writing, then I can’t take it back. I am a private individual and do not easily speak about myself. Yet, here are truths that have the ability to make me transparent, a vulnerability that I am loathe to allow. Second, the events described pertain to a person nearly a lifetime ago who is so much the antithesis of who I am now that remembering is difficult. I pray, as I begin, that these words are as succinct as space allows, yet will minister to the reader as the Spirit heals and confronts similar issues in your life. I also pray that you as the reader do not see a person who deserves any kudos. Rather, as you read, note the deliverance anyone can experience and the victories that God can win when His vessels have a willing heart.
As a young person, I had always found it very easy to excel in any sport upon which I concentrated. God has also given me an above average intellect. Being the normal teen, these two were in constant flux and I chose the athletics over the brainy matters most of the time. These choices put me in the constant companionship with other athletic women and led to my first same sex relationships. Through college and after, I remained in relationship after relationship. I do not remember feeling at all lost nor that I was doing anything really morally wrong. I mostly felt that each woman with whom I would find myself would become my life long companion. The final relationship I had with a woman ended so badly that I hit rock bottom with depression and began to die inwardly. She had surreptitiously moved to Boston and I was left alone feeling empty and despondent. I embarked on a campaign to “win” the lady back. I spent money that I did not have on her. I began distance running to make myself look more attractive to her. This running was so addictive that I lost weight down to 129 lbs. This is an unreal weight for someone who is 5’7.” I became physically ill with digestive problems that plague me to this day. At this time in my life, God finally got my attention. The following incidents, which I later found were orchestrated by God, compelled me to take a look at my life and make a 180 degree turnaround.
I was attempting to move away from my home and begin a new position in Boston to be near my last girlfriend. I felt I would be away from the small town atmosphere and could anonymously practice my alternative lifestyle without fear of discovery from family and co-workers. I also wanted desperately to be near this woman. I made ready to move by quitting my job, paying all outstanding bills and contacting a moving company. One evening, I paid my last bill at a business in my town and was in my car preparing to drive off. A very lucid thought entered my mind. It was a quote that I later attributed as having come from the Spirit. I heard, “You know, you really don’t have to go.” This simple statement made so much sense to me that I stopped and looked in the back seat to see if there was anyone there who could have spoken to me. It also made enough sense to cause me to put a halt to my plans, stay in town, and beg for my job back.
In the days following this event, I had returned to my previous lifestyle and had gotten my old job back. I was still on a downward spiral. I would go to the only gay bar in town, get drunk, and pick up women. I started a relationship with a young lady who was enamored with me because of my newly developed runners’ physique. I was desperate for any companionship to fill the void that I feel was left when my lover had moved away. However, God was not through with His communications with me.
In order to explain this next event, I must first tell you of three friends whom I had known since college. These ladies had found a ministry in town where they were learning of the power of prayer and the delivering power of God. They had begun praying that I would not move and that I would leave the homosexual lifestyle. Because I was a distance runner, I would participate in area 10k races.
I called one of my praying friends from work and asked if she would like to go with me to the next race. She did not know that I had decided not to move and asked me if I was in Boston. When I told her that I had not moved, she dropped the phone and I heard shouting in the background. I later found out that the three ladies, who had been praying that I would not move were there and that they had a “hallelujah” time when they learned first hand that this prayer stuff really worked.
The second event that God used to get my attention was through a dream. This dream coincided with Valentine’s Day which fell on a Sunday that year. In the dream, I was living in a garage apartment that had a deck all the way around it. My friends would come by and honk for me on subsequent Sunday mornings to wake me and get me to go with them to church. I would tell them no and go back to bed. This event happened so frequently that I would anticipate their coming and be up so I could reject them each time. One Sunday, as I waited for them to come, they did not appear. I woke from the dream with an intense urgency to get out of bed and go to church. I jumped up, tried to find a dress, which I could not find, and went to church. This was also the second time that my friends found out about the power of prayer. They had also been praying that I would return to church.
After these events, there followed many discoveries about God’s delivering power. I set about to learn as much as I could about overcoming the lifestyle I was putting behind me. I learned to guard my heart and the words that came out of my mouth. I learned that I had to eliminate my associations with anything that reminded me of my past. I learned that entertaining any thoughts of women in an unnatural way only brought frustration and moved me backwards rather than forward. If you remember, I noted that I have an above average intellect. It doesn’t take too many frustrating experiences to make me turn away from something. I had several friends who took me under their wings and who discipled me. I went to my church whenever I could and took Bible classes to learn as much as I could about the power that we as believers have over addictions and the onslaughts of Satan.
Although it took several years for me to walk completely free. I had and still have the tendency to look to my close female friends for emotional support. As I write this, my stubbornness combined with God’s mercy have prevailed. Currently, I am a 50 year old woman who has been so completely delivered from the homosexual lifestyle that I don’t remember much of how I used to feel, behave, etc. I do still prefer wearing pants over wearing dresses. But, most women hate panty hose as much as I do. I am an educational professional with two master’s degrees and a doctoral degree. I am not married, but it is difficult to marry a man if you spend 27 to 30 years of your life as a woman, trying not to be a woman. However, I have discovered what wonderful, mysterious creations that men are. I find them intriguing and handsome. I am open to God putting a husband in my life, but if He does not, I am also open to the possibility of serving God as a single. Paul did it, so I guess I can too, right?
Well, that’s about it. I pray that you have found some information it the preceding paragraphs that ministered to you. I know that my prayers have been answered and that the information presented is what God led me to share. May God bless you as you continue your journey toward the victory and freedom He intended for His children.